when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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