I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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