My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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