hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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