At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
