you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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