hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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