I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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