Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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