You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And then my night got REAL pukey
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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