Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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