I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
