She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize