My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
