to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
