my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
