I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
