i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
If I die, sorry about rent.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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