Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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