On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
