I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
