I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
