The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
