I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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