cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
