Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
