just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
