remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
