ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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