So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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