I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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