quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
