Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
