Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
