Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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