I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
