This is not my ceiling
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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