So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
