I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
