How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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