He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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