I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
