hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
