Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
