It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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