Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
