watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I need to calm my uterus...
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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