I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
