I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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