It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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