We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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