At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
