Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
