this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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