this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
