did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
