she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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