would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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