im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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