i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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