They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
