I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
