So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
