clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
